The Feliniad is a series of poems (22 in all) that relate an epic feline adventure. The cats appearing here are all real cats - cats of my friends - but the adventures they have are, of course, imaginary (I think).
The Feliniad
1) Introducing the Hero: Zar the Ever Helpful
Of all the stalwart heroes
to battle every pest,
‘tis Zar the Ever Helpful
who stands out from all the rest,
for no matter who the foe,
and no matter what the quest,
by all his deeds and actions
Zar became the very best.
Though born a humble orphan,
which is no mean trick to do,
he travelled Oklahoma
in a search for hearts so true
that they would let him linger
until wicked storms were through,
so he could dine with mortals
and his skin would not turn blue.
Zar proved fast his hero’s worth,
chasing every foe in sight,
and humans came to value
his divinely granted might,
far and wide his name was praised,
gone the scent of human fright
when Zar the Ever Helpful
ventured in one winter’s night.
2) Introducing the Hero’s Mentor: Cashel the Very Clever
When Zar the Ever Helpful
embarked on an endeavour,
he first sought out the wisdom
of Cashel the Very Clever,
a sage sought out by heroes
for advice on matters great –
like how to take a citadel
or get more of what you ate;
Cashel on an ironing-board
would utter words so wisely wrought,
then rush away upon the ground
before the iron got too hot.
To Zar the Ever Helpful
he was a mentor valued much,
Zar learned to battle scorpions
and never feel their stingy touch;
he looked up so to Cashel
that he worshiped at his paws,
he brought him tins of Whiskas
and files to help him with his claws.
Behind each hero stands a cat
who taught him all he ever knew --
and no matter where Zar may roam
to clever Cashel his heart stays true.
3) Introducing the Love Interest: Zar’s Little Secret
Zar raced up to Cashel –
his heart was all a-twitter –
even though he’d failed at love
and could not sire a litter;
Zar had a little secret:
a new cat on his mind,
who sang the highest note
in a yowl of eerie kind.
But Cashel yawned in boredom,
as love was not heroic,
he preferred philosophy
and was a seasoned Stoic.
Still Zar sought wise advice
on how to win her heart,
and sage old Cashel uttered
that Zar must fast depart,
follow her to Las Vegas,
seduce her with a growl –
for no lady cat could spurn
a hero with a sexy howl;
so to Nevada Zar did go,
to boldly trek beyond
the miles that kept him from
the tabby cat called Feline Dion.
4) Introducing the Villain: Budda the Peszt
While Zar journeyed on to Feline
one cat had his eye on this quest,
he was a son of Hungary
and his name was Budda the Peszt;
for many years he battled on,
his will unbowed to any foe,
and wherever fate did call him,
Budda the Peszt did boldly go.
So when Zar the Ever Helpful
to clever Cashel made his way,
Peszt knew another hero cat
was just about to make his day;
the scars incised upon his fur
made clear his determination –
Peszt would fight for what he wanted
even in another nation.
Leaving the prairies far behind,
unto Las Vegas he did roam,
where the fair Feline would love him
and offer him a wealthy home;
Peszt would face down Zar the Helpful
and cause the younger cat to fail,
nothing would keep his eager paws
from sinking in the Holy Quail.
5) The Crisis Begins: Bonnie and Clyde
Budda the Peszt grew impatient
as Zar spent long nights with Feline,
besides, his hearing was going
with each decibel of her scream;
a devious plan he concocted
to send mighty Zar on a quest –
he called on two of his minions
who put every hero to test:
so Bonnie and Clyde came to Georgia
and were rooting’ and tootin’ away,
they held up twelve banks in Atlanta
in the space of only one day;
two bandits loose on the streets
were hardly a welcoming sight,
and Cashel the Clever knew
things just had to be set right.
He chased them all over town
but they were so young and so fast
that Cashel, try as he might,
knew his strength would never last;
he sent to Feline a text message
demanding that Zar come on down,
for truly that hero was needed
to get Bonnie and Clyde out of town.
Feline responded with a high C
that deafened all those nearby,
but Zar the Ever Helpful
held his ears and said goodbye,
then used his Frequent Flyer Points
to catch a plane heading south,
he felt like a man on a mission –
or maybe a cat with a mouse.
6) When Bonnie Met Zar
Bonnie was fryin’ in Georgia,
the heat was just a big pain,
and Clyde had fallen asleep
awaiting the coming of rain;
but a gal gotta do what she can
to pass away all of that time,
so Bonnie went down to the bar
and asked for a dish of white wine.
Then a guy sauntered into the room,
a cool cat, to judge by his fur,
and ordered a pint of Old South,
then seated himself next to her;
Bonnie had never seen Zar,
though his name was known far and wide,
she thought she’d just found a cutie
more active than sleepy old Clyde.
Zar offered to buy her a round,
then told her his name was Nate,
and hinted that he was the Boss
of the wildest gang in the state,
hoping that she would give in
and loosen her lips in his ear,
so the dastard plans of Peszt
the Zar-cat would never need fear.
The seduction of Bonnie was easy
for Zar was a most handsome cat,
he’d get every gal to his digs
with merely a tip of his hat;
so Bonnie gave up her big secret
with hardly a purr or a yawn:
the evil Peszt was now plotting
to silence the voice of Feline Dion.
7) Farewell, Atlanta: Counsel from Cashel
Zar bounded straight down to Cashel’s,
a house where a cat could be cool,
with a bar in the room down below
and a table for playing at pool;
Cashel was slumbering wisely,
his head in the warmth of the sun,
when all of a sudden came Zar –
a cat with an ungainly run.
“Oh Cashel, my mentor, my friend,
my dearest Feline has a Peszt,
the kind who takes what he wants,
the kind who thinks he’s the best;
so tell me, dear Cashel, I beg,
whatever on earth I should do,
for despite the might of my paw
I really haven’t a clue.”
So Cashel took Zar to the bar
and poured him a bowl full of cream,
then offered advice on the crisis
that threatened Feline’s piercing scream;
“Your loved one resides in Las Vegas,
and a Peszt is now on her trail,
so rush back and drive him away
before I smack you with my tail.”
Zar saw the wisdom of Cashel
and caught the next greyhound west,
time would be of the essence
in tracking down the evil Peszt –
but Bonnie awoke with a jerk
and rushed on back to dear Clyde,
then both took off on a Harley,
bidding Atlanta goodbye.
8) Hello, Oklahoma: The Chase!
The greyhound stopped at the border,
its license just having expired,
so Zar jumped off its canine back
and to the cat house he retired;
Bonnie and Clyde on the Harley
caught up in a dark cloud of dust,
Bonnie went off for a shower
as any dainty feline must.
But Clyde was really into dirt,
and bathing was a thing despised,
so off he went to look for Zar,
exactly as Big Peszt advised;
in the darkness of the cat house,
Clyde wildly wandered up and down,
checking all the litter boxes
in hope that Zar at last be found.
But Zar the Ever Helpful saw
Clyde’s shadow on the dingy walls,
so from the cat house did he leap,
and landed on some cotton balls;
Las Vegas ever on his mind –
the meagre one God granted him –
he ran with haste unto the south,
and Bonnie thought him rather dim.
Now refreshed by soap and water,
she collared Clyde by his foul fur,
and off they went in search of Zar –
no half-wit cat would outsmart her!
Bonnie drove Clyde into Dallas,
where a piercing howl hit her ear:
the fair Feline was singing thanks
for being named “cat of the year.”
9) Trouble in Dallas: Cat of the Year?
Feline was in her glory,
the room was full of glitter,
with golden candelabras
and not a whiff of litter,
around her neck a medal
shone as brightly as the sun,
announcing to the world at large
that Feline was Number One.
Now Bonnie had a tantrum
and stormed upon the stage,
everycat grew quickly quiet
in the face of Bonnie’s rage:
“Ya’ll think Feline’s a wonder
and called her cat of the year,
but as far as I’m concerned
none of you have any ears!
Her voice is like a buzz-saw
that cuts through flesh and bone,
and many a time her audience
is reduced to howling groans,
but when I sing my hymn to love
and boast that my heart will go on,
the ears of every living thing
grow enchanted by my song.”
Then Bonnie grabbed the medal
and hung it round her furry neck,
Zar stared in sheer amazement
while Clyde sighed “what the heck.”
Cameras flashed in eager joy –
for Feline was really a bore –
and here was a cat with courage
who spoke as none had before.
Bonnie lit up the stage so fast
that Zar had a deep revelation:
here was the cat he must love,
role model for the feline nation;
but Clyde took Bonnie by the paw
to lead her away from the rest,
only to scamper right into
an angry Budda the Peszt.
10) More Trouble in Dallas: Cat Fight!
Now Budda was fuming and fusing,
and told Bonnie to wait by the bar –
which she, with a wink, gladly did,
followed by none other than Zar.
“What a mess you have created”
said Budda to a trembling Clyde,
“fair Feline is crying her heart out,
and crying a fur ball inside.”
Clyde stood before Budda in fear,
afraid of the big cat’s right paw –
which now lashed like lightning released
from a hurricane’s threatening maw;
Clyde took the blow like a human,
then scampered to find any space
where Budda would never pursue him,
like that old and unlit fire place!
Behind the grate he quickly fled,
disappearing into the ashes,
a safe haven from any more blows,
a retreat from unwanted clashes;
his fur was now as black as coal
and he sneezed up a snootful of dirt,
but anything had to be better
than standing around being hurt!
So the Peszt walked up to the bar
to give Bonnie a piece of his mind,
but Zar the Helpful made his move
and jumped on Budda from behind;
Zar gave him a right, then a left,
and danced like a butterfly too –
to impress his new found soulmate
there was nothing that Zar would not do.
Now Bonnie watched on as they fought,
but Feline was not one to pout –
she battered Bonnie with her tail
and then how fast all heck broke out!
It was a scene from out of the movies
as they exchanged fast moving blows –
till a horrible sound made them scatter,
and Clyde stood alone, blowing his nose.
11) A Paws in the Action: Peszt Plots
Poor Clyde was as black as the night
and clearly looked a disgrace,
with muck on his beautiful fur
and misery writ on his face,
so Feline gave Bonnie a warning
to beware her mighty wrath,
then took Clyde away by the tail
for a soak in her bubble bath.
Then Zar the Ever Helpful
assisted Bonnie to her feet,
sang to her sweet words of love,
and promised cans of tuna treat;
Bonnie gazed at her hero
with stars in her coon cat eyes –
here was a tom with cohones,
far braver than the other guys.
So Peszt was left on his own,
which gave his image a jolt,
for he was a cat with connections,
not some harmless, useless dolt;
his love for Feline might be feigned,
but he would make her his honey –
for she lived in Caesar’s palace
with a vault chock full of money!
He went roaring to the barkeep
and demanded Feline’s address,
there must be a way to entice her
and recover from this whole mess;
he knew that Clyde would be waiting
and make him fight for her paw,
but Peszt thought Clyde was naïve,
the dumbest cat he ever saw!
12) Zar to the Rescue
Bonnie and Zar had retired
for a night of feline bliss,
sealed with cans of tuna treat
and a very loving kiss,
but when the flame burned hotter,
mighty Zar was handicapped,
so the two of them agreed
to a long and soothing nap;
too soon was sleep abandoned
as a fearsome roar arose:
Peszt was prowling the hallways
looking for his well healed rose.
“Hurry” said Bonnie to Zar,
“poor Clyde is in need of aid,
dozing in a bubble bath
with Feline the Overpaid.”
Zar lumbered out at top speed,
but Pezst was so far ahead
that even a hero cat
was filled with feelings of dread;
Zar lunged as Peszt kicked the door,
and Feline let out a howl –
there, revealed for all to see:
Clyde, in a frilly pink towel.
13) The Battle for Feline
Peszt looked at Clyde with disdain -
his bandit had turned into mush -
but there stood Feline in her glory
and Peszt jumped at her with a rush;
he would live off the money she made,
perhaps buying a castle in Eire,
and Feline was woman enough
to fulfill his deep manly desire.
But Zar the Ever Helpful roared –
a damsel was in dire distress –
so he took a stand before Feline
to save her from the greedy Peszt;
Peszt lashed at Zar with his left,
then struck him with a crafty right,
but the skull of Zar was Ever Thick
and he would not give up the fight.
Mano a mano they battled,
throwing paws and heaving sighs,
one would strike, and one would duck,
emitting very macho cries;
then suddenly Zar was standing alone,
and thought himself a mighty lion –
but Peszt was just in slumber land,
clobbered by Bonnie’s curling iron.
14) Clyde and Feline; A Love Story
As Peszt lay on the bedroom floor
and Zar looked on without a clue,
Clyde pounced upon Feline the Loud
and led her away with a mew;
he whispered words of ever-love,
of castles hidden near the sea,
where cats with dough could lay about,
awash in caviar and tea.
Feline was overcome with joy
and belted out a loud B flat –
what more in life could she desire
than being with this winsome cat?
For Clyde had the looks of Brad Pitt
and was very good with a kiss,
although at moments so sublime
he oft released a startling hiss.
Paw in paw they sauntered away,
content to leave the past behind,
Clyde’s life of crime would be no more:
Bonnie and Peszt would leave his mind;
they’d settle down in Killiney,
bellowing songs from dusk to dawn,
a titanic sound forever –
for surely her cash would go on.
15) The Ghost of Mush-Mush: A Cameo Appearance
Budda awoke with a jerk –
for Zar was still by his side –
and saw that Feline was gone,
taken by smelly old Clyde;
contemplating his revenge,
the gangsta cat decided
to hop a plane to Ireland,
where his loud love resided;
but Zar sprang into action,
striking Budda with his paw,
lights out for the older cat –
what a vision he now saw:
for a ghostly form appeared,
cat-like in its outward guise,
but with eyes that glowed like coals
and emitted sparks of fires;
he spoke in tones of menace,
causing Pezst to quickly hush:
“do no harm to fair Feline,
for I be the feared Mush-Mush,
swift avenger of maidens
pursued by devils like you,
Ireland’s coasts will not allow
a gangsta cat to get through.”
Peszt did shudder at these words,
but Mush was still orating –
“take your eyes off fair Feline,
another cat needs dating:
she’s lovely as a tulip,
bougainvillaea does she shame,
her modesty is legend,
and kept secret is her name;
get thineself to Canada,
broad land of milk and honey,
to heck with chasing euros –
wild passion transcends money.”
And with these words the image
faded fast from Budda’s eyes,
an amarantine puzzle,
perfect for Cashel the Wise.
16) “WMA Awards ‘Legend’ to Feline Dion” (World Meowing Awards)
While Peszt raced off to Atlanta,
and Bonnie and Zar set up house,
news came to Feline in green Eire
more delicious than any fat mouse;
for every cat had cast a vote
to name the “Legend” of the year,
and when polls closed in Florida
the result was bushily clear:
Feline had broken the record
set by those who had sung before –
for every CD sold by them
Feline had sold twelve thousand more!
In Killiney things were merry,
and Clyde enlarged the trophy case,
another statue made of gold
was on its way in rabid haste.
What more could any couple want
in an estate so rich and grand –
such pleasure did they feel within
when licking at their wedding bands;
her furballs sold out on e-bay,
crazed fans bought crates of her CDs
and frothed like mad dogs at the mouth
in hopes of a Christmas release.
The cash rolled in like winter waves
upon a beach that never stank,
to heck with tiresome concert tours –
they laughed all the way to the bank.
17) Cashel in Counsel: A Peszt upon Atlanta
Now Peszt fell upon Atlanta
(though everyone asked for rain),
went in haste in search of Cashel,
the wise old tom of feline fame;
he found him on a table top
contemplating the fate of coons,
who, like him, are born to glory,
but must put up with bandit goons.
So Cashel told Peszt to be brief,
and Peszt replied with lightning speed,
spoke of Mush-Mush’s visitation
and of the data he did need:
so where, he asked, was Canada,
and what was a secret well kept,
and would he require a passport,
and what weather might he expect?
Cashel regaled him with riddles
akin to those all Romans love,
advising Peszt to hop a plane
and fly north through the sky above;
“forget about the falling snow,
but groom yourself with utmost care,
lest the deep Caribbean blues
arise to haunt your catnip there.”
Though much puzzled by these ramblings
and fearful of his coming fate,
Peszt knew that he must waste no time,
and not stand up a secret date;
as Peszt was packing a parka,
wise Cashel could not help but laugh,
taking a swing at some ribbons
he sauntered away for a bath.
18) Castor and Pollux: Cattae ex Machinae
Budda the Peszt was confused
but to the airport he scampered,
knowing Love was Love was Love,
with a feline to be pampered –
a cat he would shower with gems,
or maybe tins of caviar –
his bad old days were ever gone,
Peszt pursued a brand new star.
But at the airport came dismay,
enough to give a fellow pause -
Security took him aside
for having much too sharpened claws;
he might be a terrorist,
attack the captain at the wheel,
so they said he could not go,
for a moment lost poor Peszt did feel!
Deep in despair he walked away,
his tears fell down like Irish rain,
when, from out the blue, appeared
two cats to mitigate his pain;
their names were Castor and Pollux,
called otherwise on Mother Earth,
but angels now in heaven high
after their divine rebirth.
They spread their wings before him
in the shape of a hidden heart,
Peszt climbed aboard in happiness,
all his sorrows to depart;
Castor and Pollux fast took off,
telling Peszt to just relax,
for within a couple of hours
they would land in Halifax.
Peszt sat back and ate his nuts,
washed down with a glass of white wine,
with Castor and Pollux in charge
he knew it would all end up fine;
for guardian angels know the way,
having travelled near and far,
they set him down in Halifax,
then flew off to guide young Zar.
19) Zar to the Rescue?
Meanwhile Bonnie had noticed
that Zar was becoming bored –
how he missed his hero days
and his daring deeds of yore;
he needed some adventure
to keep him on his hero’s toes,
so she asked her friend T-Storm
to conjure up heroic woes.
So T-Storm sent freezing rain
to fall on houses below,
each encased in brittle ice
as his bitter winds did blow;
lines of power did come down,
lights went out in every home,
people huddled in despair,
wishing that they lived in Rome.
In the icy cold and darkness,
Zar put on his hero’s cloak,
proud to be so Ever Helpful
to cats and even human folk;
he’d climb the poles of power
to bring back the light and heat,
and all of Oklahoma
would soon bow before his feet.
For days on end he struggled
against the wind and falling ice,
how he missed his Bonnie dear,
whose warming fur would be so nice;
at last brave Zar succeeded,
and the lights had come back on,
home he raced, but found no mate –
oh where had his Bonnie gone?
20) Zar on Christmas Eve: The Greatest Gift
‘Twas the night before Christmas
and Zar roamed the house,
still searching for Bonnie
and not some dumb mouse;
no stockings were hung
for all was in gloom
as Zar paced in sorrow
through room after room.Then up on the roof
came a crash of a sound,
like a forest of trees
hitting the ground;
Zar jumped in a startle
as footsteps did skitter,
though Helpful he be,
he was runt of the litter.
Loud voices were heard
a-singing on high,
could these be some angels
who dwell in the sky?
To the chimney he raced,
his heart all a-gog
as Castor and Pollux
fell down on a log.
They picked themselves up
to dust off their clothes,
then gave Zar a box
adorned with a rose;
Zar wondered what gift
could cheer up his night,
without his dear Bonnie
nothing was right.
But a sound in the box
just sang to his ear,
he tore off the ribbons
and inside did peer:
there, dressed up in silk,
his Bonnie did stretch,
what a God-given gift
to a poor feline wretch!
With ribbons in paw,
she jumped out in pride –
gone to a Cat Show
while Zar worked outside;
“Merry Christmas”, she said,
with Zar in her sight,
“with peace to all cats,
and to Zar a good bite.”
Castor and Pollux
up the chimney did race,
with more to deliver
all over the place;
while Zar held his Bonnie
close to his chest,
of all Christmas Eves
this far was the best.
21) A Little Secret
The New Year was coming,
yet Peszt walked alone,
adrift in a cold land
so far from his home;
since the time he arrived
he had gathered the facts:
hot life for a hip cat
was dull in Halifax.
He slouched by a door
to escape the dour rain,
when a voice in his ear
put a fast end to pain:
“Hi there, you handsome
and gallant feline,
my name is Secret,
so will you be mine?
I heard you were coming
and raced out the door,
but traffic was heavy –
I hope you’re not sore.”
Peszt replied with a wink
and a tip of his hat,
“If your name is Secret,
then I am your cat.”
She told him her tale
of living alone,
of having no mate
and no room of her own;
‘twas the fault of Dion,
she explained with a sneer,
no cat could win gold
when that loudmouth was near.
She’d drown them all out
with one note of her song,
making them feel like
they’d never belong;
but her own voice was sweet,
though soft it may be,
she wrote lovely tunes
as he would now see.
She sat by the keyboard
and sang “China Rose,”
and when she had stopped
Peszt was blowing his nose;
“Oh my,” he said weeping,
“my heart is all yours,
and I beg for your paw
as I kneel on all fours.”
They took paw in paw,
exchanging sweet whispers,
then Peszt grew more bold
and eagerly kissed her;
he soon married Secret
and vacationed in Kenya,
he was thrilled to find out
that her real name was Enya.
22) Cashel’s Song: Cats are Cats are Cats
The wise old philosopher cat
lay curled in a ball of fur,
having weathered many years
with weary hardships to endure;
but catdom was forever—
a truly amarantine state,
and even wrathful hurricanes
did eventually abate
to leave behind the mighty mark
of many a feline strong,
those who slew the enemy
and extracted right from wrong.
So had it been, he pondered,
in this tale now before him,
which told of cats in danger,
of escapes that never bored him;
Zar would ever be the Helpful,
though misunderstood by man –
those who never could imagine
his clever skills or daring plans,
and Bonnie was no sluggard
when it came to facing trials,
while Clyde was first to conquer
by flashing his engaging smiles.
From time to time a Peszt arose
to pull cats to the darker side,
but even such a roguish cat
would find a place in Secret’s pride,
and angel cats were everywhere
to help all those who went astray,
forever taking paw in paw
to lead one to a better way;
and as for cats who spent their time
in singing bouncy siren songs –
as long as love was love was love,
each ended up where it belonged.
Cashel rose up and closed the book
in which these days were written,
thankful for the friends he’d had
from the time he was a kitten –
when all the world confounded him,
and, deep amid the falling snow,
he never would have come this far
without the cats that he did know;
no moment lost was now his creed,
with not one thing to be bollixed,
so he took up a thoughtful pose,
purring with Castor and Pollux.
The End
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